Is whining making you a little bit nuts? We get it and we've been (or are currently) there, too. I think a lot of people probably already know that you just have to stop giving in to right? Super easy to say, super hard to actually do. Especially when you stop giving in and it just seems to get worse. Why isn't it working?
Well, it's true. You do have to stop reinforcing it if you want it to stop. But, you also have to teach your child how they can be asking for something or saying something without whining. We do this by modeling it for them. Here's a super short guide to cutting out the whining:
First, you're going to calmly tell your child "I can't understand you when you talk like that. You can say 'Can I have a snack?' In your big strong voice". Or some variation of this. The point is, we aren't giving into the whining and we are showing them exactly what they can do instead.
Then, and this is super important, you wait! Wait without repeating yourself a bunch of times. Wait without talking to them about a bunch of other things. Just wait for them to ask. If they don't, try again later. If they do, tell them how awesome they did and give them the snack! While you wait, you can continue on about your business while staying near enough to be able to respond to them when they do ask. (If this drags on too long, you can just tell them you'll try again later too...no need to let it go on forever. Then just redirect them to something else).
Something to remember, the whining may get worse before it gets better. This is so normal! It may even amp up into a bit of a tantrum. Again, this is so normal! You have to get through that sticky period and things will get better.
Okay, so now that we've talked about how to do it, we want to explain ourselves a bit more about why we don't want to repeat ourselves and why things may get worse.
First, let’s go more into detail on why we don’t recommend repeating yourself a bunch of times when trying to change the way your child asks for something. If you repeat yourself multiple times, you’re bringing a lot of attention to that whining. So even if the child isn’t getting what they are whining for, they are still getting a whole lot of your attention for it and this is likely to continue that behavior. The behavior will change much more quickly if you’re able to simply wait without repeating yourself and paying as little attention to it as possible. Then, when they ask nicely, give all your attention to them!
Now, about the part where behavior gets worse before it gets better. When our behavior stops getting the results we expect, people (all people) will typically try harder to get the same response as before. We like to relate this to a soda machine. When you put your money in and push the button, you expect the drink or snack of choice to drop down. If it doesn’t, you probably press the button a few more times and maybe even hit or try to shake the machine before accepting defeat. This is the same with a child. They’re going to amp up the whining to see if that will work to get the reaction they are expecting. If you can ride it out, they’ll learn that whining isn’t going to work anymore. By teaching them what they do need to do, they’ll begin to ask in a more appropriate way. We want to make sure we are showing them how to ask appropriately at first so they know exactly what we’re expecting of them. But again, no need to repeat yourself over and over. Say it once and wait!
And as always, let us know if you need anymore guidance by emailing us at graceandgritbcs@gmail.com! We’re always happy to work through things via email or set up a free consultation to see if our services could help support and guide you through the tough stuff you’re working through.
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