We’ve all been there, I’m sure. We make that one threat or promise we know we can’t actually commit to because in that one moment we are just absolutely desperate for our kids to listen. This could be something like "okay, if you just stay quiet in the store, I'll take you to the park" or "if you don't do your homework, I'm giving away your video games" when in reality you don't have time to go to the park and the video games cost far too much money to just give away. This post isn’t to make you feel bad. I get it.
But, this is so important. Don’t make a promise you can’t (or won't) keep. If you actually have no intention of throwing a toy away if the child doesn’t put it away, don’t tell them you will. And if you absolutely won’t be getting them ice cream for behaving while you're on a call (you’re just hoping they’ll forget about it), don’t say you will get it. (We all know kids don’t forget anything anyway).
Here’s what happens when we don’t follow through: your word starts to mean nothing. If what you said is meant to be a threat of punishment, and no punishment is actually given, the child is learning there aren’t actually any negative consequences that will come and he can continue to do whatever he is doing. If you promise a reward and then don't give it to the child, their behavior isn't being reinforced and they'll stop engaging in that behavior. Eventually, it won't matter what you say, the child will just do what they want because they've learned no consequence will actually come.
If you’ve been throwing out empty threats and rewards, don’t beat yourself up. Show yourself some grace and move on. And, don't forget the power of using reinforcement instead of punishment as your first line of defense. It's amazing what you can do by rewarding the behavior you want to see instead of punishing the behavior you don't want to see.
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